This is a work in progress, I am a work in progress!

Do I know you? In my heart I know I do. An instant attraction, I am sure you felt it too. Passion, fear, insecurity and strength; these attributes feed your essence, making you the man you are. You make love with your mind and your heart not only your manhood.

A picture tells a story; maybe it is just an illusion. There is a vulnerability to exposing oneself, so I protect myself by not allowing the real me to be seen, the price I paid for disillusion is exorbitant. Only in person will our senses bear witness, if it is meant to be then touch, smell, sight, taste and sound will be our beacon.

We are like two horses roaming in separate pastures blocked from being together by the fences of reality. I long to roam the great expanse by your side, exploring everything the world has to offer, together.

We are so different, yet in many ways quite the same. With humor, love, touch and openness I believe I can sustain your soul. I want to feed your soul, to build you up, never tearing you down. I need, I want someone with the ability to love me, yet allow me to grow and find my way on my own, are you that person, can you be that person?

I thought I would be somewhere totally different at this juncture of my life, how can I have so much to ground me and still be so confused, want so much more. If only we started out old with all the knowledge and hindsight all ready in place and grow younger. Then we could use all the information given to us along with the vitality of youth to make a better life for ourselves, if only I felt then what I feel now.

Life is a jigsaw puzzle and mine has a few pieces missing.

Today I had a little extra time on my hands

So I decided to count something. Do you know that over the past 16 years I have changed roughly 8500 diapers! Believe me that is a low ball estimate too. That would be 8 kids (my 4 and my sisters 4 - 3 of which are 3 yo old triplets who I have cared for since the age of 12 weeks) and various others I have babysat throughout the years.
Good God I am tired of changing diapers. If I ever have another child, it's father will be doing all the diapering!

Enough

I work everyday to firm up my abs but I still never seem to be able to toughen up my soft underbelly. This area is where I store all my insecurities and self doubt. A while ago I wrote a song without any music. I can hear it in my head but unfortunately I don't not possess the talent to actually make music so others can hear it too. It was at a time after John Entwistles death and I had seen an interview with Pete Townshend, he said how Roger Daltrey was in a bad place between John's death and Pete's arrest. Through my perception of Roger Daltrey and who I think he is and how I think he may feel I wrote the following. I showed it to someone to read and he told me after he read it that I should post it here, he was pretty sure about it; me I am not so sure. I thought "easy for him to say he didn't write it"! I figured one of two things either he was blowing smoke up my ass or he really liked it. I have to be the optimist here and not the cynic and go ahead and post it. Well here it is, let me know what you think!

ENOUGH

A disheartened boy wears the mask of a clown
Not knowing how to feel love always brought him down
Peace escaped him like sand through his fist
Only found comfort when thoroughly pissed
We always knew we wouldn’t have you for long
Why wasn’t it enough to be the beat of the song?

(Chorus)It’s fine to feel full after you’ve cleaned your plate.
You can be satisfied and still create.
Don’t yearn for the glory of yesterday.
Drench yourself in the mystery of tomorrow.

You stood so firmly in the background
Ever present with your thunderous sound
You lived the life of a true rock star
But that kind of thing never got you too far
You may have been silent but you were always so strong
Why wasn’t it enough to be the rhythm of the song?

Chorus

So many emotions we feel for each other
Love and hate like the rivalry of brothers
Your words filled my mouth and by them I stood
I sang them like you knew you never could
This job is a burden you’ve carried so long
Why isn’t it enough to be the words of the song?

Chorus

Will you ever know what you have meant to me?
You are second only to my family
As four together we created a spark
A spark that set fire to my heart
I may have been tough, came on too strong
It’s always been enough to be the voice of the song.
The voice of the song.

There are no pigeons in the suburbs!

Have you ever notice there are no pigeons in the suburbs, I have lived here for approximately two weeks and I have noticed several differences between living in the city and in the suburbs. I should have known too, come to think of it about 4 years ago my nephew Patrick was at my house in Philadelphia (he has been raised in the suburbs since the age of 8 months) he was about 2 or 3. He was looking out the front door and a pigeon was walking around on the front steps and he said "Look a chicken"! At the time I thought to myself Christ, my sister has to get him out more but now I realize he had probably never seen a pigeon!

Going from city living to suburban living is like moving to a different planet, an alternate universe, if you will. According to Sarah (my youngest daughter) there are no Koch roaches at our new house (she is referring to the water bugs that run freely in the streets of Philly) but the crickets sure are loud. The sky is much darker at night here and the stars are more numerous and shine noticeably brighter, I suppose that explains the higher taxes! The first few nights I had a difficult time falling asleep it was way too quite. I lay there thinking if only a police helicopter would fly over the house illuminating the front lawn with it's search light, or maybe some obnoxious beat with way to much bass from a car parked on the corner, some random gun fire anything just so I could feel at home and sleep. For fun and excitement in the city all the neighbors would come out to watch the drug dealers in the corner house get busted, here for fun and excitement all the neighbors go to the high school football game. I guess it is sort of the same a bunch of big guys getting pushed around and manhandled.

I have met a few people here so far everyone is nice, maybe a little too nice. I am getting a bit of a Stepford vibe when I drop the kids off at school. I feel the need to bribe one of my kids to take up soccer so I can be a soccer mom too! I run at a track near the house and the sweaty men who run with me smell like clean laundry as opposed to a three day old bean burrito like the guys at the track in the city! There is something inherently wrong with that. Speaking of smells, there is always a hint of manure in the air here. Every morning like clockwork one of my girls will open the front door and say "Mom, what is that smell?" I reply with the same pad answer in a monotone voice "It's cow shit girls, now c'mon were gonna be late"!

Don't get me wrong I am happy here, my kids are adjusting very well and they are happy and safe but it is a huge adjustment that will take time for me to make. I am a city girl born and bred but I do have to wonder, if the suburbs are so great why aren't there any pigeons here?

Sometimes I Wish People Had Tails

Have you ever know a cat to tell you a lie? A goat to talk behind your back. Never, it doesn't happen it can't, you know why because animals can't lie. They can't because they have tails and tails have their own lie and emotion detectors built in and there is no way to get around them. If people had tails then you would know exactly what they were thinking, what their mood is. There is no way they could hide how they are feeling. A tail is also very functional, it is almost like that third arm that every mother wishes she had. Almost every day I drive past a farm with some beautiful horses residing on it and I always notice their tails. As the flies and other insects buzz around them they just swat them away with their tails, with little effort the little pest is shooed away. Imagine it, when your kids are bugging you in the checkout line at the supermarket, reaching for the little candies that are placed directly in their line of vision,you just give them a little brush with your tail and you don't even miss a beat while placing your items on the checkout belt. You always know if a dog is happy or sad don't you? Wouldn't it be great if you could walk into a room full of people at a party and immediately you know what kind of mood they are in. If their tails are wagging then you know things are going good, you want to hang with the waggers. Stay away from the ones with tails tucked between their legs, those are the people who are void of any personality most likely telling the same stories they told 20 years ago, if you get stuck with that group you might want to consider turning around and high tailing it out of there. (pardon the pun) Trust the tail, it never lies, it can't, it has a mind of it's own!

It's 5 O'Clock in the Morning

Have you ever gotten up at 5 am on purpose? Not because your newborn baby was wailing for a feeding, not because one of the two girls or guy in the bed next to you is snoring like a buzz saw, not because your newly trained toddler peed the bed or not even because your 6 year old had a bad dream. No, I mean just to experience a part of the day that most don't see too often, the sky is a bluish pink color preparing to be bathed in the sun's warmth. The birds begin to chirp all ready busy at work. I love to walk outside during this time, especially at the beach. The air is filled with moisture, the strong smell of salt water hangs in the air. The only sounds that can be heard are the seagulls laughing as they find discarded treasures along the shoreline and the sound of the waves kissing the beach. I like to get up early just to watch the sun rise. * There is something beautiful about watching the birth of a new day. So much can be accomplished in one day, 24 hours, you work, you contribute to your family, a little thing like smiling at a stranger can change the course of their whole day, you can walk holding hands with someone you love, you can try to open your mind and learn something new. In the hustle and bustle of ones day this would only take a few moments, those few moments could change yours or someone elses life indefinitely. So if you can, every once in a while get up at 5 O'clock in the morning on purpose.

*Pete Townshend lyrics

The Handkerchief

Two people walk down a road towards one another, at the point where they intersect they discover a discarded old lace handkerchief. It is wrinkled and dirty from spending countless days laying in the dirt. One passer by sees it and kicks it out of the way and walks on. The other passer by bends over and picks up the delicate hanky. Upon observing it, the passer by sees the care and craftsmanship that went into the hand made creation, knowing for sure it was made with tenderness and love. Imagine all the tears of happiness and sadness that were absorbed by this cloth, how many children's faces were spit-wiped clean with a mother's gentle love. The passer by took care and lovingly cleaned this hanky and carried it on every journey and added hundreds more tears and dirty faces to it. The passer by gave this precious hanky to her daughter on her wedding day assuring it's legacy to continue. Imagine this small hanky filled with so many of life's memories that almost laid to waste on the side of an old dirt road. Which passer by are you? In the littlest most insignificant things we can find hope, happiness, adventure, sadness and love, always look to the future with an open mind and heart but don't forget to bring your handkerchief along on your journey to absorb the memories.